Self Care for Despair: Episode 36 of The Feel Better Every Day Podcast

Feel Better Every Day

This episode is an unexpected one but I was so quick to find solace in my habitual self and Self care practises this morning, I wanted to share them with as much love as I can for all beings on the planet. The US election results are horrifying (that a self confessed sexual predator and multi convicted felon is somehow considered better than someone as accomplished and talented as Kamala Harris - am telling myself all sorts of stories about how much men (and many women) must really hate women, migrants, LGBTQ+ people and others but that's not helpful.

So am bringing myself back, repeatedly, to the daily practises that keep me grounded and resourceful. I hope they'll help you too. Sending enormous love to you and yours.

About Eve Menezes Cunningham

The author of 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing, Eve Menezes Cunningham runs Feel Better Every Day (aka selfcarecoaching.net) and the Sole to Soul Circle: Self care for trauma recovery and ADHD (evemc.substack.com).

Integrating a wide range of trauma informed and ADHD friendly therapies, coaching and supervision, she specialises in all things self care (and Self care for connecting with and taking better care of your highest, wisest, truest, wildest, most joyful, brilliant and miraculous Self), especially around trauma, anxiety, stress, sleep issues and finding more purpose, meaning and joy, ADHD and perimenopause and menopause.

Eve’s work incorporates traditional talk therapy and coaching as well as somatic (body based) and energy approaches for a holistic approach. She is an an Irish Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy (IACP) Accredited supervisor and counsellor, British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) Senior Accredited Supervisor and Past Chair of BACP Coaching, EFT International Accredited Mentor and Advanced EFT Practitioner, a Yoga Professionals UK Experienced Yoga Teacher and NLP Master Practitioner.

Based in Westport, on the west coast of Ireland, Eve works online and by telephone with clients and supervisees across the UK and Ireland with some nature based outdoor sessions in Westport.

She has been on IACP’s Editorial Committee since 2021 (Editor-in-Chief of the Irish Journal of Counselling and Psychotherapy since February 2024) and editorial team for Rapport, ANLP’s NLP journal, since 2007. Eve’s work been featured in hundreds of titles including Psychologies, Therapy Today, Coaching Today, the FT, the Guardian, Evening Standard, Metro, Mirror, Irish Country Magazine, Stellar and Cosmopolitan.

Eve offers free resources via selfcarecoaching.net and facilitates the Sole to Soul Circle: Self care for trauma recovery and ADHD online membership (evemc.substack.com).

It’s a fully embodied, nervous system friendly, trauma informed approach, helping people integrate self and Self care practices into their daily lives to create a life you don’t need to retreat from.

She also produces and hosts The Feel Better Every Day Podcast.

TRANSCRIPT

Start by placing your feet firmly on the ground while allowing whatever you're sitting on to support you completely—let yourself feel held by it while connecting with earth beneath you knowing we're just tiny blips among its inhabitants

Welcome to Self Care for Despair. An unexpected, unscheduled episode of the Feel Better Every Day Podcast. Episode 36.

I woke up feeling like I’m sure so many of you did this morning. All through the night I’d been thinking, ‘Nope, she’s going to catch up. She’s going to catch up, it’s going to be okay,’ and then it wasn’t. In the past, I’d have cried for days. I mean, let’s face it, I moved countries because of Brexit. Politics IS personal and it is scary and it’s now more than ever that we need to take amazing care of ourselves and of each other, so I hope this episode will help you to do that.

In this episode, I share a trauma sensitive Metta meditation, a simple breathwork practice, a shortcut to helping you feel better, a way to comfort and soothe yourself and some of the other self and Self care things that I’ve been doing this morning and today.

Since recording it this morning, I’ve gone for a swim and I swam my heart out and I’m just going to encourage you to welcome all of your feelings and honour all of your feelings, look after yourself and connect with your loved ones, connect with others who are hurting and just sending enormous love.

I hope you find it helpful and, remember, you have so many resources yourself, don’t give into fear and hate. Let yourself wallow. Let yourself cry. Let yourself heal. I mean, crying is healing but also know that there are so many amazing people in the world, so many people who go out of their way to help other people, to care for other people, to save other’s lives like running into burning buildings or accidents.

This is not representative of the world and, while you’re safe physically, do these practices that let your brain KNOW that you’re safe. Let your whole system know that you’re safe. Regulate your nervous system and connect with all of your resourcefulness. You can still thrive.

Welcome to an unscheduled episode of the Feel Better Every Day podcast. Having been awake for much of the night, watching with increasing dread and disbelief, I went back to bed and focused on connecting with how I felt. I'm over on the west coast of Ireland, so I can only imagine what it's like for so many Americans who are feeling unsafe—literally unsafe.

I thought I'd do something to help people who, like me, are anxious about what it means for the planet, for women, for trans people, and for all sorts of minorities. It's important to remember that you have more power than you think, that you can self-soothe, that you can work with your own nervous system, and that you can support your amygdala—the alarm bell in the brain that may feel like it's ringing incessantly right now.

You can bring your prefrontal cortex on board. You can use your vagus nerve to send messages of safety to the pons, the part of the brain responsible for body language and breath. By working with your breath and posture, you will begin to calm the amygdala much faster than by telling yourself what might feel like lies about how it will all work out.

We don't know what will happen, but we know that we're wired to feel safe, loved, and welcomed in order to thrive. A lot of people right now are not feeling safe, welcome, or loved; they're feeling very afraid. After the Brexit vote in 2016, I cried for days and ended up leaving England, where I had been born and raised. Being Indian-Irish, London born, I suddenly felt very unsafe. I look white and sound English. I’m aware that I have an enormous amount of privilege, yet I remember how visceral that fear and horror was. I know many people are feeling that way at the moment.

I want you to be able to soothe yourself, support yourself, empower yourself, resist and fight, love and connect, and thrive. Start by just noticing how you're feeling right now. Use zero as neutral: minus 10 for absolute depths of despair and plus 10 for amazing. You may be feeling amazing; I don't know. Notice what you're feeling right now and ask yourself what you need at this moment. If you could do anything right now, what would it be?

For me this morning, I went back to bed, pulled the duvet over my eyes, and cuddled a teddy bear because the cats didn’t want to be near me. I decided to do a longer yoga practice; that really helped me. I did that before turning my phone on; at that stage, I was still hoping for a different outcome. I connected with my breath as I do every morning and did my Metta meditation.

So let's start there. With the Metta practice. You begin with: ‘May I be happy and healthy, peaceful and at ease.’ Just notice how you feel in your body as you say those words and wish yourself well. ‘May I be able to take care of myself joyfully. May I possess the courage, wisdom, patience, and determination to manage life's challenges.’

Then you move on to someone you love: ‘May they be happy and healthy, peaceful and at ease. May they be able to take care of themselves joyfully. May they possess the courage, wisdom, patience, and determination to manage life's challenges.’ Next is someone you feel more neutral about: ‘May they be happy and healthy, peaceful and at ease. May they be able to take care of themselves joyfully. May they possess the courage, wisdom, patience, and determination to manage life's challenges.’

Traditionally from the Buddhist tradition, you'd pick someone you find challenging; if that feels too difficult today, choose someone else you love instead. For someone challenging today, I'm going with Mitch McConnell—he could have put an end to all this after Trump’s second impeachment (after the insurrection in January 2021) but didn’t. Letting it go: ‘May he be happy and healthy, peaceful and at ease. May he be able to take care of himself joyfully. May he possess the courage, wisdom, patience, and determination to manage life's challenges.’

As I did that practice with him in mind, I imagined him being scared. This is Metta—we're expanding our heart's electromagnetic field energy outward before bringing it back to ourselves while remembering that we're all connected; we are all one.

Think about where you live—maybe your town or country: ‘May we all be happy and healthy, peaceful and at ease. May we be able to take care of ourselves joyfully. May we possess the courage, wisdom, patience, and determination to manage life's challenges.’ Now think about a part of the world where you feel desperate or helpless—not naming any specific places but perhaps one you've been thinking about every day for a while: ‘May they be happy and healthy, peaceful and at ease. May they be able to take care of themselves joyfully. May they possess the courage, wisdom, patience, and determination to manage life's challenges.’

For today’s focus—America: ‘May they be happy and healthy; peaceful and at ease. May they be able to take care of themselves joyfully. May they possess the courage wisdom patience and determination to manage life's challenges.’ [My phone suddenly burst into Taylor Swift’s Bad Blood – you might be able to hear it] Forgetting any bad blood between us all—send everyone those wishes for happiness health wellness ease and peace.

Think about the world at large; you can pause this episode if needed or do it for as many individuals or groups you're concerned about—different minority groups or individual loved ones—and when you're ready take it out into the world at large: ‘May we all be happy and healthy; peaceful and at ease. May we be able to take care of ourselves joyfully. May we possess the courage wisdom patience determination to manage life's challenges.’

The most important thing is bringing it back to yourself: ‘May I be happy and healthy; peaceful and at ease. May I be able to take care of myself joyfully. May I possess the courage wisdom patience determination to manage life's challenges.’ Take a moment now to notice how you feel after this whole practice.

I start every morning with Metta; I include all my clients—past present future—everyone I've ever worked with or will work with that day along with everyone I'm worried about or love; it takes a while but just notice how you feel afterward.

Personally speaking—I can't imagine life without this practise; it's been one of my most transformative experiences which I've discussed in my book along with others but Metta alone combined with breathwork is incredibly powerful.

This simple breath practice is a way to send immediate signals of safety through the vagus nerve up towards the brain while cascading down through our entire system—80% of those signals travel upwards through this vagus nerve pathway so we're much better off moving or breathing ourselves into feeling safety rather than trying to talk ourselves into something we don’t genuinely feel.

Start by placing your feet firmly on the ground while allowing whatever you're sitting on to support you completely—let yourself feel held by it while connecting with earth beneath you knowing we're just tiny blips among its inhabitants—the earth will endure regardless; humanity may not but earth itself will remain fine.

Reach out towards that nourishing supportive energy right now; let yourself rest within it while noticing what's happening with your breath naturally without trying too hard to change anything—notice whether you're breathing from your upper middle or lower lungs making mental notes as needed.

Get a sense if your inhalation is longer than your exhalation or vice versa or if they're even—again note these observations mentally or physically before moving on because here’s where if desired—you can regulate yourself through simple actions helping improve how you're feeling.

There's real power in mindfulness—in being present with what is without trying too hard especially during times like today when so much feels beyond our control—building our capacity simply being present without becoming dysregulated is an invaluable skill while having regulation abilities remains crucial.

If it feels good, aim towards breathing down into your belly—it may require more conscious effort which is brilliant since breath tends not receive our awareness often enough—anytime we breathe more mindfully we're literally changing how we feel activating our parasympathetic nervous system helping ourselves enter rest-and-digest mode while reinforcing feelings of safety reminding us in this moment—we are safe.

As I encourage connecting further with breath—I realise I'm talking quite a bit but notice how it feels bringing breath consistently down towards belly—you may find it gets stuck somewhere along its journey but remember—it’s not about judgement—you’re alive!

To maximise benefits bring breath right down aiming for slightly longer exhalations—some prefer counting—for instance breathing in for four seconds then out for six or simply focusing on lengthening exhalation slightly longer than inhalation each time.

This requires extra awareness helping keep our wandering minds returning back towards practice rather than getting lost amidst distractions occurring every moment when we breathe unconsciously most times—but by focusing on deepening breaths while extending exhalations—we're more likely noticing when thoughts drift away gently guiding awareness back towards breathing process itself remaining patient especially during distressful feelings.

Just a few breaths can truly help—you might find one minute wonderful but five minutes even better! Start wherever suits best—you can repeat throughout day grounding yourself connecting deeper breaths longer exhalations while observing feelings shift accordingly—even taking heart rate before after could prove interesting as typically reductions occur.

Finally—for this unexpected special edition—we'll explore the Butterfly Hug—a lovely way giving yourself a hug! Simply cross hands over chest resembling butterfly shape gently tapping one hand then another inhaling as tapping occurs on one side exhaling when switching sides—it’s an effective method of connecting safely with your body and breath while allowing gentle movement bridging both parts brain together promoting coherence and congruence whilst supporting oneself, recognising all the feelings arising naturally without judgement.

I won’t delve into Tapping today since numerous resources exist online including all the free videos available through selfcarecoaching.net (and in the Sole to Soul Circle: Self care for trauma recovery and ADHD, offering additional exclusive content related each theme discussed here.

If tapping isn’t appealing right now consider simply tapping the thymus area and collarbone, gently bringing comfort even amidst tears, shaking sensations, releasing pent-up energy within the body, noticing how these actions resonate deeply inside us all collectively experiencing shared struggles during tough times overall!

Stamping also serves purpose getting feelings out effectively reminding us today isn’t normal nor is anyone in the world around us designed thrive without mutual healing support amongst each other. It’s incomprehensible witnessing deliberate harm inflicted upon others causing immense pain so releasing these energies becomes essential grounding ourselves enabling resilience love ultimately leading a thriving existence.

Regarding stamping—it’s mentioned within the book, 365 Ways to Feel Better, originating from Olivia Roberts who presented concepts during energy work conference years ago in Eastbourne in the UK. She called it Resolution Magic. She’d been suffering migraines and would normally remain still, attempting to avoid disturbance until finally fed up she began stomping, shouting ‘Go away! Go away!’ surprisingly leading the migraine to dissipate entirely!

She researched further discovering positive effects particularly on IBS and other chronic conditions emotions benefitting greatly from such releases—I’ve encouraged clients to adopt similar practices for well over a decade whenever possible (if animals aren’t present preventing proper stamping) to encourage letting go entirely “Go away!” Release whatever burdens weigh heavily on your hearts and mind.

Sometimes it might wind you, other times, simply contemplating stomping and shouting brings smiles, processing stress healing emerging naturally within us all.

Sending enormous love to everyone. Do whatever necessary to help your self and your Self. Drink plenty water, consume nourishing foods, act loving, be safe, creating welcoming environments, connect with loved ones and keep an eye out for others struggling too.

Sending enormous love once again! If found helpful please share with someone who might find it helpful. Look after yourself—I’ll return soon sharing more regularly scheduled content!

This episode of The Feel Better Every Day Podcast was produced by me, your host, Eve Menezes Cunningham. I hope that it was helpful and I hope it will encourage you to remember and connect with all the self care resources you already have that are helpful and that you take the time and look after yourself and nourish yourself and let yourself feel as safe, welcome and loved as possible.