207: How to not be a permissive parent

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Sometimes when listeners write to me, fun things happen! 🤪

Listener Diana replied to a recent email because she had listened to quite a lot of my episodes (although more of the earlier ones than the recent ones) and she was generally on board with my approach.

But she was having a hard time! Despite doing a lot of things for her children, and trying to remain calm and 'unruffled' and show that she loves them unconditionally, but as pretty often when she asked them to do something they sometimes scream at her for offering to help, they attempt to boss her around, and they're inflexible and rude.

So what's going on here?

Have we (finally) met children for whom my approach simply does not work?

Of course, as soon as I received Diana's email I wanted to talk with her. She gamely agreed to come on the podcast, although she did want to protect her privacy so there's no video for this episode.

We talked through the kinds of situations she often finds herself in, and some of the reasons why her daughter, in particular, might be acting this way. It turned out that in her indecision, Diana was drifting into permissive parenting, which meant that her children didn't know her needs - because Diana didn't know her own needs.

We identified quite a few practical things she could try to consider both her own and her children's needs, and there's also a message in the episode that Diana sent me a week after we talked, sharing how things were going.

If you'd like help with your own parenting struggles, I'd encourage you to sign up for the FREE Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop, which is starts on Wednesday April 24th. I'll help you set limits effectively - but I'll also help you set way fewer needs than you ever thought possible, by meeting your needs, and your child's needs, much more of the time. No permissiveness required!

Other episode mentioned

Q&A#5: What really matters in parenting? Part 1

Jump to Highlights

00:48 Introducing today’s guest and topic 08:58 Diana reflects on challenges with implementing a respectful parenting philosophy and navigating differences with her high-sensitivity, high-intensity child. 13:14 Diana shares parenting struggles, negotiating with her kids, and feeling disrespected in their interactions. 26:51 Diana reflects on supporting her daughter during dysregulated moments, while Jen illustrates the importance of context in understanding behavior. 31:12 They address Diana's daughter's need for predictability and resistance to sudden changes. 46:58 The dialogue emphasizes the importance of understanding and articulating individual needs to avoid permissive parenting while ensuring both the parent's and child's needs are met. 01:00:57 The conversation highlighted the importance of understanding underlying needs behind a child's behavior, leading to a shift in perspective for the parent. 01:06:00 Three actionable steps for listeners to implement the concepts discussed