#44: Repairs in Your Relationships

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

Relationships are messy and we're bound to make mistakes. That's part of being human. When we take responsibility for those mistakes and make repairs, it strengthens the relationship. So why is it that so many people never make repairs? We're going to talk about what tends to get in people's way, what to do about it, and how to make effective repairs. I hope you'll share this episode with the people in your life that mean the most to you.

Karin's website: www.drcalde.com

Karin on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theloveandconnectioncoach/

TRANSCRIPT

Podcast Intro:

Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love is Us.

Episode Intro:

[00:51] Karin: Hi, everybody. I want you to imagine a time when someone close to you - a partner, a friend, family member, or maybe a coworker - did something that left you feeling hurt and you didn't get an apology. How did that feel? Take a breath. Bring yourself back to now. And then imagine a time when someone did apologize to you. How did that feel? Probably pretty good.

And now imagine a time when you hurt someone else. How hard was it for you to apologize? Did you apologize? And if you didn't, what kept you from apologizing? Was it because you were scared? Ashamed? Couldn't admit that you were wrong? Maybe you just didn't know how.

Today we're going to be talking about repairs in relationships. So what do I mean by the word repair? Well, it's about tending to the other person's needs when you've done something that hurt them. It might take the form of words or actions, and often an apology is part of the repair process, but it could be anything that helps stop the problem from getting worse and hopefully helps to make it better. So we're going to talk about the repair process today, and especially the apology piece. And I'm going to use the word “partner” today when I'm going to be talking about this and giving examples. But you can substitute another word such as friend, mother, husband, boss, and so on.

So why are apologies so important for your relationships? A repair communicates to your partner that they matter to you, that you respect them and that you care when they're hurting, that you want to treat them well, that you hear them and see them, that you get it. It also shows that you have integrity and you're trustworthy with your partner. It communicates love and builds trust and closeness.

Conflict is normal in relationships. Avoiding it, like so many of us do, does nothing for your relationships and can damage them. Conflict can be an opportunity if you choose to see it that way, because it's a way to grow. It's a way to hold a mirror up to you and see where you can do better. It's how we bring to the surface the things that are getting in between you and your partner. It's talking about those unspoken things that might have been under the surface until something activated them. It's a way you can learn about your partner and more importantly, how you learn about yourself. So, seen in another way, conflict can be a way to communicate something isn't. Right. Now, there will be times when there is no obvious conflict, at least not on the surface. But one of you is feeling hurt, sad, angry or frustrated at the other for something that was said or done or not done. And a repair is needed.

It can be that one of you hasn't been present in the relationship lately. Maybe one of you said something hurtful or embarrassed or embarrassing to the other one in front of family or friends, but didn't realize it was hurtful. Maybe you told your partner how important it is that they do something special for you on your anniversary, and yet again, they didn't. It can be anything.

Now, a quick word about big versus little injuries. So, for the little things, you and your partner might be at a place in your relationship where a small repair is all that's needed. Maybe you do a forehead slap accompanied by a silly me. Or it could be a heartfelt I love you or a simple, sorry, but I'm going to talk today about the times when something more is appropriate.

I have a few questions for you first. Do you become upset at your partner when they want an apology from you? Might you even get passive aggressive or even punish them in some way for it? If so, there's a good chance that this is a young part of you coming up trying to punish or push down the feelings of shame that this might be triggering. A lot of people struggle with apologizing because it means getting vulnerable. Admitting weakness. It might trigger feelings of shame, which is an incredibly painful emotion to feel. But if you don't work through that, then your relationships are going to suffer. It's that vulnerability that brings you closer. But if you don't feel emotionally safe in your relationship, that vulnerability is tricky. And that might be where you need to start with your partner by establishing some emotional safety. And just keep in mind, being vulnerable and admitting your mistakes, that's true bravery, because, yeah, it is hard. Like Brene Brown says, she's got a quote that says, “there is no courage without vulnerability. Vulnerability is not weakness. It's the ability to show up and be seen. It's the ability to be brave when you cannot control the outcome.” That is truth!

So the first thing I want to encourage you to do, whether you're the one that caused the injury or whether you were the one that was injured, show yourself some self compassion. Beating yourself up or being stoic and minimizing the impact of the incident doesn't help. Research shows that self, compassionate people, they're better at looking at their mistakes honestly and they're better at working through their challenges. And those who know how to self soothe when they've been hurt, they're better at weathering difficult times. So be aware of how you're talking to yourself and see if you can talk to yourself the way you would talk to a dear friend who is hurting or who made a mistake. Now, the goal here for the one who committed the misstep is to reach a level of acceptance. You did something that caused some level of harm and you can't go back and change it, but you can look at it, take responsibility for it, and do what you can to make it better. But to do that, you first got to accept the fact that you did something hurtful. Now, if this is beyond you, if you can't imagine doing this, then you and your relationship would probably benefit from you getting some more support. So you can work on what's getting in your way so your relationship can thrive. Because when you truly open your heart to your partner and make repairs, that brings you closer. It is scary and there is some risk, and it can strengthen your relationships and prevent you from growing apart. So how do you make repairs in a relationship? So I'm specifically talking about an apology here, and there are a lot of models out there and a lot of good ones. And I'm going to share the one that I like because it's fairly simple and effective. So there are four steps. Number one, take responsibility. Two, acknowledge the impact. Three, tell them what actions you're going to take to make it better. And four, follow up. So now I'm going to go into some more depth on each of those, using an example. So the example I'm going to use is, let's say maybe you're married, and one of you said that you would take on the job of making sure the kids had lunches to bring to school every day. And you didn't. You fell down. So number one, take responsibility. Own it fully. Well, you can offer reasons for why you did what you did or neglected to do the job, because oftentimes the person who is angry or injured, they do want to understand. But be really careful not to make excuses or put the fault onto somebody else. So it might sound like you trusted me to make lunches for the kids. This is the responsibility that I took on and I didn't do it. Yes, I was really tired, but that is not an excuse. I should have made it happen. Okay. Number two, acknowledge the impact. So apologies are not about what you intended to do. And this isn't a really important part to make. This is an important point that I want to make or stress. It's about the impact that your words or your actions had on your partner. It's about impact. So it might sound like the kids had to go to school without lunch and they had to get the school lunch. And we've talked about how expensive those lunches are. And that's not good because I know we're trying to save money and I also know that we've talked about this and how the kids just end up filling up on sugary, chocolate milk and then they come home and they're irritable and it's not fair to you or them or their teachers. And I can only imagine how frustrated you must be feeling with me. Okay, so that's number two action steps. What are you going to do so you can do better? So I would recommend not saying that you will just never do this again unless you really can make that promise and you are 100% confident in that promise. Sometimes we need to do some work in order to get there, and over promising won't do your relationship or the other person's ability to trust you any good. So this might sound like next time I'm going to pack the lunches the night before or set a second alarm, or I'm going to make a list the night before of what I'm going to pack and other examples. Or other scenarios could sound like I'm going to text you the next time I'm running late, or I'm going to put reminders on my phone so that I don't forget to stop at the store on my way home. Or I'm going to work with a coach or a therapist to help me get a handle on my anger and my reactivity so that I don't keep saying mean things. And it might take me a little while to get there, but I'm committed to working on it. Or if this is a work scenario, it might be that you just apologize for taking credit for your coworkers ideas and you promise you won't do it again. Maybe it's that simple. In that case, number four, follow up. So your apology will be hollow if you don't do what you say you're going to do to make it better. This is part of the overall repair process. Words are not enough without this follow up. And if for some reason you have a hard time following up, then again, either get support or break it down even further into smaller steps and figure out what you can manage. Now a few other things to consider. Timing, you're more likely to be heard and it's more likely to land well with your partner. If your partner is calm and rested and has the time to let it sink in some pitfalls to avoid. Never say I'm sorry if you felt hurt. I'm sorry if that bothered you. That if basically is saying that you're not really responsible and that is ineffective. It's really putting the responsibility onto your partner because they felt that way. So it's really their problem. Also, don't say I'm sorry. But so again, that's not you taking responsibility, that's you giving an excuse. So take out the ifs and the buts. And then finally, some people will disagree with me on this, but I would recommend not asking for forgiveness. Let them decide if they're going to forgive you without any pressure. And also, it can take time to forgive, so give them some time. Also, a word about the actual words I'm sorry. You might have noticed that I don't think I had that in my examples at all. Are those words really necessary? Some say that it really is, and some people really want to hear those words, but others disagree if the apology does what it's supposed to do. Now, a reflexive I'm sorry really quick, or with anger, or with irritation in your voice, or when it's just so quick that it doesn't really feel like you really mean it. That's more of a habit, perhaps, or again, a knee jerk reaction rather than the heartfelt gesture that helps to ensure that the repair lands. And the words I'm sorry alone, while they might be effective in some cases, when the wound is more painful, it probably won't cut it. So some things that make repairs easier having a solid foundation in your relationship, so this takes work, over time, create what the Gottmans call an atmosphere of fondness and admiration, where you pay attention to each other, you're present with one another, you express your gratitude for your partner and what they do on a regular basis. You show an interest in them, you're curious about them, and you really listen to your partner. All of that creates a nice, solid foundation. Also, when you do work on yourself, this stuff gets easier. So again, if this sounds impossible, or if there's a part of this that you struggle with, then I recommend you listen to some more podcasts, perhaps. Maybe you read some books or blogs about this and get some support from a professional who can help you up your game. Remember, conflict is a normal and even healthy part of a relationship. But if repairs aren't made, then over time, conflict can chip away at the quality of your relationship and make it hard for you to remain in that relationship, or for it to keep being healthy and happy. And unhealthy relationships, they're bad for our mental and physical health. So that's my episode on repairs. If you have any questions about this, send me a message. And please share this with others whom you think could benefit. And I just want you to know that I'm here to help. So thanks for joining me today. Until next week, thanks for joining us.

[16:01] Karin: Today on Love Is US. If you like the show, I would.

[16:04] Karin: So appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like to follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram, where I'm the Love and Connection Coach. Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Ali Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for Tech and editing assistance. I'm so glad you joined us today because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be loved. The best way to be loved is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.