S01:E09 - Wilden gets smacked down by feminism

That’s immortali-TEA, my darlings

The ninth episode of Pretty Little Liars Season One is entitled The Perfect Storm but as Yasemin points out it’s “the perfect storm that never ends… and that we never see”. Lacey concedes that it’s dark, at least, and both hosts admit the lighting choices made them both question the time of day throughout the show.

This episode centres around the SATS, beginning with a study sesh in the Hastings house with Spencer, Hanna, and Aria. While Troian studies her lines – er, Spencer studies her cue cards, Hanna is relentlessly bugging Aria about her non-existent relationship with Noel Kahn which reminds your hosts of their own study sessions in university. To no one’s surprise they were just as on track as this one.

But where is Emily, you may ask? Well, she’s in her room and it’s dark, and she’s dirty – except her fingernails, of course. Could Emily and those perfectly manicured hands have something to do with the smashing of Ali’s memorial? Wilden seems to think so. He corners her at school as the titular storm rages on and an interesting camera pan draws attention to Emily’s less-than-pristine shoes. “Who the hell wears white trainers in a storm?” Yasemin asks.

Emily is a little on edge throughout the episode, snapping at her friends and sneaking off into the library’s Charles Dickens aisle to reminisce on what could have been with Alison. For a moment your hosts question her sanity when she spies the deceased blonde through the aisles, but as Lacey explains: “The lightning goes, and Ali’s gone – but she’s in a flashback!” Here we get a glimpse on Alison and Emily’s relationship before the former rudely went missing: sweet, innocent and perhaps not so one-sided as first thought.

Alison isn’t the only guest cameo as we’re treated to Mrs Hastings and everyone’s favourite proctor, Ella Montgomery. Your hosts aren’t sure what that means, exactly. “I’m assuming like a – what’s the word we use?” Yasemin asks Lacey, who struggles with the word invigilator. More confusing is Ella’s economic situation – who cuts the hours of the employee that lives above your business?

Unfortunately, “little Byron” is also in the episode and his presence at the Marin McMansion gives Lacey a chance to have yet another dig at the “Montgomery Shack”. Byron and Ashley’s joint scenes this episode leave your hosts wondering if the writers were trying to expand upon their relationship in a romantic way.

Byron isn’t doing much to sell himself, whining away to Ashley who despite being unable to afford artisan cheese always has room in the cupboard for a bottle of chardonnay which she pours freely for her companion. “Stop talking,” Yasemin interprets while she and Lacey relentlessly mock Byron’s sad little life. Ashley doesn’t seem to mind, offering to act as menu translator for the man child at his next faculty dinner. But, like most men, Byron takes it a step too far and invites her. While she seems inclined to agree at first, by the end of the episode both characters agree it’s not for the best.

Mrs Hastings’ is also put in an awkward situation when she’s introduced to Spencer’s beau, Alex, who it seems she’s met before and doesn’t appear to like. Yasemin puts herself in Spencer’s shoes when analysing the interaction, asking whether you’d wonder if she was having an affair with Alex or if you’d just think something went down at the club of the country variety.

With all these extra characters you’d be forgiven if you missed the absence of other notable students, such as Sean and Maya, but Yasemin is quick to point it out. Your hosts wistfully ask after the characters that matter: Ben and Jenna’s guide dog. “I miss Ben,” Lacey sighs. “Remember when Ben was in the show?”

Frustratingly there’s one character that couldn’t have the decency to piss off like he does in the books: Ezra Fitz. Lacey is jumpscared by his picture on the librarian’s desk: “Ezra couldn’t leave me alone for more than two episodes,” Lacey wails, affectionally referring to him as “the human ick”. Ezra’s presence is not just limited to his portrait, appearing only to break up a duet between Aria and Noel Kahn which is the only thing Yasemin thanks him for this episode.

“I got goosebumps,” Yasemin recalls at Ezra’s entrance. “Not in a good way,” she quickly defends to an aghast Lacey. While Lacey thinks he looks like a priest, Yasemin confesses he’s the spitting image of a certain crush she once had. Ooh la la.

Of course, the star of the show is Detective Wilden. His shining moment is when he discovers Emily’s “ugly cream bag” and calls her in to question its contents only to out her in front of her friends. “He’s drooling because he can’t wait to ruin these girls’ day,” Yasemin. Even Wilden buys into Emily’s good girl act, seeing all the evidence that implies she ruined the memorial before him and thinking only one thing: Toby put her up to this.

In the most chaotic half of the podcast, Wilden’s deranged detective skills leave Lacey breathless as Yasemin tries to keep the podcast on track despite her incessant giggles. “He’s just into the drama,” says Lacey. Let’s hope you love bad accents and terrible impersonations because your hosts are full of them this episode. The girls rally behind Emily which only serves to make Wilden angrier but who crumbles when a real adult comes into the room. Mrs H rocks up in true Hastings style, much to Yasemin’s chagrin: “Hair perfect, not wet at all,” she notes and quite literally ends Wilden’s career.

The SATs get cancelled and with Wilden gone, the episode wraps up some loose ends: Mrs Hastings had a medical scare and got blind drunk in front of Alex, swearing him to secrecy, but concedes to Spencer in a rare heartwarming moment that he’s all right. Aria snubs Ezra for Noel Kahn, Emily puts her beef with Alison behind her and Hanna cements with Lucas that they’re just friends. Though another shot of Lucas’ own muddy white trainers might put that friendship into question.

To your hosts’ joy, the episode reveals a clip of Alison that any hardcore Pretty Little Liars fan will be intimately familiar with. “We’re so lame,” says Yasemin as she and Lacey admit to fangirling at the iconic “I know you wanna kiss me” snippet which A is sending via post to the police department. Unfortunately for Wilden, he won’t be around to see it.

Quotes

“They dress up for studying. I think, if it was me, I’d be really comfy, like oversized t-shirt, ugly pyjama bottoms – probably Disney themed pyjamas – but they looked chic.” – Yasemin

“I Go Shark’ed too close to the moon, my arm just clicked so loudly.” - Lacey

“Does no one eat food in Rosewood? What is the deal with this? Hanna has one piece of pasta and Mrs H can’t have garlic bread because god forbid.” – Yasemin

“If I were [the liars], having already previously received an A message that is like kill Toby LOL, I would not be calmly sitting, watching, for my SATs I would be scouring the library because my friend might be dead. My second friend to die in a year!” - Lacey

“Whenever they mention the haircut, it just makes me laugh so much, because then I’m reminded at the fact that this is like a mid-20 year old man confessing that he got a haircut for a 16-year-old girl.” – Yasemin

“Ashley has no bread. She has no jelly. She has no groceries, but you bet that b*tch has wine.” – Lacey

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