Keeping Score Will Make Everyone a Loser

Romancipation

S4 Episode 8: Keeping Score Will Make Everyone a Loser

Episode Summary

Becoming a couple means compromise and a willingness to take turns. While it is natural to want your romantic relationship to be equitable, it is more difficult to achieve in reality. For many, keeping score is a way to enforce this idea of fairness. Unfortunately, it is misguided and often leads to resentment in the relationship.
Constant comparison in a relationship is unproductive and unhealthy. Resources will never be evenly distributed between the two members of the couple. Whether it is time, money, sleep or responsibilities, one person will always feel as though they received the short end of the stick.
Instead of keeping track of who did what, you should focus on behaviors that support the relationship as a unit. Reshape your perspective and divide tasks or responsibilities in a manner that each person is playing to their strengths. Work with your partner to focus on the positive things you are providing for one another instead of what is lacking. Don’t let entitlement drive the relationship.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when your partner forgets about or ignores dates and things you feel are important in the relationship.

Show Notes

It’s pretty common to keep score in a relationship, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a habit worth keeping. In fact, it can be detrimental to your relationship because it colors the way you see every interaction you have. Keeping score can keep you from being present and experiencing positive aspects of your relationship in the moment.
You also might be keeping score in your head without communicating to your partner about the things they’re doing that may be irritating you. This can lead your feelings to fester. On the other hand, if you’re always verbalizing the score, it can lead to an unhealthy way of going tit-for-tat with your partner.
If you’re counting who’s winning, you’re also counting who’s losing. You end up missing out on building yourself up as a team. A healthier way of managing these situations is to open communication and start working together. Recognize what each of you brings to the table and play to your strengths.
It’s normal to have a little back and forth of keeping score. But if your partner always seems to get what they want and need without compromise, this could signal a much bigger problem. In a relationship, no one can get what they want all the time. But no matter what, you deserve to feel seen and heard by your partner.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner doesn’t remember dates or details that you deem important. Maybe it’s just not as important to them – or maybe “forgetting” helps them avoid conflict. Expecting your partner to remember significant things in your life puts an unfair burden on them.
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