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What Happens When Men Feel Free To Be Vulnerable?
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At the beginning of my career, I started and put together what was at the time called a mastermind. This was not like the coaching programs that are out there today – this was a men’s group where you could show up to talk about the things you were focused on, the things you were working on, and the challenges you were encountering.
There was a great deal of intimacy that developed among the men in this group. The kind of long lasting support we experienced was a lifeline not only for us, but for many men in similar groups who were struggling to find a place in today’s culture.
I saw that when men find a way of coming together, in a way that’s open and vulnerable and even perhaps contrary to the stereotypes of masculinity perpetuated in our world, we are able to connect with ourselves, our loved ones and our communities in ways we never before thought possible.
My guests today, Brendon Pardington and Alex Neustein, are two men who have been part of this experience themselves, and who join me today to talk about what this kind of men’s work looks like, what it can do for us, and why it’s so important today more than ever.
In This Episode
- (01:15) Why I started my first men’s mastermind group
- (06:11) The importance of vulnerability and honesty among men
- (13:33) Alex’s experience in a men’s group, despite a lifetime of feeling unsafe around other men
- (17:20) Brendon’s personal work, and what drew him to the support of a men’s group
- (19:53) Alex’s perspective on why so many men feel unsafe around other men
- (27:33) How relating to other men in a safe space has affected the way Brendon shows up for himself
- (33:51) Contemplation, discipline, and the art of being present
- (39:45) What are you anchored to?
- (45:30) The power of acknowledging what’s outside of your control
- (50:55) What being part of a men’s group has taught Alex and Brendon about other men
- (54:18) Toxic masculinity, and the courage it takes to be vulnerable
- (1:00:53) The catharsis of feeling emotion among men who are holding space for you
- (1:07:06) The importance of somatic work
Notable Quotes
- “This story that we have told ourselves – that to be there for you means I can't be there for me – can be summed up as ‘I don't feel safe expressing authentically because I'm afraid that my authentic expression will harm you.’ Or ‘I don't feel safe expressing myself authentically because authentically expressing myself will harm me – it will incite your wrath or will incite your anger or will push you away. And I will be abandoned.’ And I think this sense of feeling unsafe is at the heart of the work that I began to do.” – Alex (22:40)
- “Suffering is necessary, at first you resist it or you react to it, you avoid it, just the classic patterns. But once you're able to accept it, that's the secret to almost everything as far as I can tell, with emotional regulation, with getting along with other people and having powerful, meaningful relationships, having good boundaries, all of that comes from accepting, that's what you want or that's how this is. So that's been something that I've been really focused on, is the acceptance.” – Brendon (30:17)
Our Guests
Brendon Pardington is a father, husband, spiritual seeker, and men’s relationship coach. A midlife crisis, job loss and near divorce forced him to start doing the work necessary to create a more meaningful life – and now he helps other men do the same.
Alex Neustein is an attorney, software developer and graphic designer who has been involved in men’s work for over four years. He is beginning to train as a psychotherapist in order to help others conquer self-defeating patterns, negative self-talk, and social anxiety.
Resources & Links
On This Walk
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